Archive for October, 2010

The Lovely Bones? The Lovely Pile of Douche more like.

Posted in Film Tirades with tags , , on October 13, 2010 by helenparker1212

I have been saving up my dvd of Peter Jackson’s The Lovely Bones for well over a year now, because I really wanted to watch it and appreciate it without all the hype and commotion which surrounded its cinematic opening. Well. I just got through watching it. And it was bollox.
I am vexed.
Here are the reasons why it is less a pile of lovely, and more a pile of steaming.

1. What the hell was the point in Psychic Girl and ‘The Moor’? They were in four short scenes and played absolutely no part in the plot except at the end when Psychic Girl suddenly, inexplicably and fucking stupidly morphed into dead girl for a quick snog whilst her corpse was being rolled into a pit in the background. Forget catching the killer in the act, she was more interested in a good snog. The killer escapes to kill again, while the other victims’ families continue in their mental torture of not knowing the truth behind their daughters’ deaths. But dead girl got some. So it’s all alright.

2. Heaven appears to be a tree and limbo is a technicoloured cornfield copied straight out of the Robin Williams film What Dreams May Come (which, incidentally, did it better, but is also a far superior film to this messy heap of confused imagery and vacuous symbolism). Why the hell does she spend most of her time in a gazebo which we never see her in in life? She’s supposed to meet a boy there but never makes it, then it becomes her centrepiece in limbo because she’s never been kissed. So basically limbo is all about her wanting a snog. Thus, the gazebo.

3. Limbo is populated by a suspiciously enlightened group of horribly murdered girls whose only desire is to send Carol Anne into the light. I mean, send Susie Salmon to the tree. Forget about any kind of justice or sympathy for the living left behind, they appear to be interested only in picnics and butterflies. Alright, I totally get the idea that in limbo you have to let go of life and find peace, but these girls are just frikin pathetic! And the final scene with them all appearing in the field and flitting off to heaven (the tree) is just darn creepy, so intent are they on getting Susie to follow them, it feels like they’re working for the killer. That Holly girl has a glint in her eye that’s more agent of hell than agent of heaven. Acceptance of death is one thing, but embracing injustice is just plain strange.

4. Why is Susie’s mum such a twat? I understand it might be hard on the family if the father becomes obsessed to the point of deranged with finding his daughter’s killer, let alone her body, if she really is even dead. Yes, if over the course of years this happened a mother would be forgiven for leaving her husband and taking her family with her. Susie Salmon’s mother Abigail, on the other hand, gets pissed off with her husband and ditches her entire family after what appeares on film to be only a few months. What a bitch. In the book she even has an affair! She is replaced by her alcoholic mother played by Susan Sarandon who is absolutely not hilarious.

The film is supposed to be about the family, and about how they are to go on without Susie. Why then, is Sarandon only in three scenes, does the young son only have three lines, does the younger sister only become significant when embroiled in the murder mystery plot right at the end, does the mother leave entirely and is not seen again until the finale, and why oh why when you’ve found the condemning evidence of who the murderer of your sister really is, why oh why would you ever consider not giving it to the police? Which brings me to point 5.

5. Why does the message of this film appear to be ‘anything for an easy life’ ? The entire film was trying to come across as a murder mystery/family drama where the family is torn apart by their search for the truth until ultimately they come to realise that the truth is not worth it. This is all very well and good. But their giving up of the truth results in the escape of a serial murderer who can then carry on to kill more girls.

Their giving up of the truth is in fact a horrifically selfish act of self-preservation at the expense of every one else: the previous victims’ families, and the future victims and their families. The Salmon family is in fact uniquely and unnaturally selfish. Human beings do not give up on justice for their lost children. They just don’t. They don’t allow their childrens’ murderers to go free, and yes, families do fall apart.

And no, murderers do not generally get miraculously killed by falling icicles.

Which brings me to point 6.


They made the decision that family was more important than justice, so the killer is free to kill and that’s their fault. But then they realise how douchey that is, so they kill off the killer with an icicle. Just to make sure they don’t get blamed for him killing anyone else. Job done.

My point is this: is your family more important than everyone else’s? Are we not compassionate and community centred creatures? Or are we cold-blooded, isolated and selfish beings?

Are we apes, or are we snakes?

Tories, poor people and why we’re all about to get shafted.

Posted in Politics Tirades with tags , , on October 2, 2010 by helenparker1212

“The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.”

– Benjamin Disraeli

“No one would remember the Good Samaritain if he’d only had good intentions; he had money as well.”

– Margret Thatcher

At the end of the 1970s this country did a very stupid thing.

Three times.

We elected a Conservative government.

During these governments we witnessed (and to a degree participated in) the most extraordinary and reckless ‘fire-sale’ of domestic infrastructure ever known in our country’s history. Maggy, after a romance with Reagan, sold off the family silver at bargain bin prices, and a lot of people (from both middle and lower classes) became very, VERY rich. A new middle-class was born; swollen at their white collars, these neuve riche swanned about the cities of this country with mobile phones glued permanently to their faces as they bought, sold, undermined, and basically raped and pillaged their way through the fundamental fiscal stability of their own country. And they made LOADS ‘A MONEY! The city of London began to grow taller as the towers of industry began to soar into the very clouds.

Even some of the working classes got thrown a bone and were allowed to buy their council houses. Unfortunately this meant that anyone who needed a council house ended up in a very different kind of tower block.

Of course, there were some other little hiccups during this time of plenty. The government decided to enforce a Poll Tax on its people the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the 14th Century, and the results of which were also remarkably similar.

Yes, learning lessons from the past has never been a British strong point. Which brings me neatly to the present day. Yes everybody’s whinging about the cuts and the deficit and the ConLib pact, but really, we only have ourselves to blame for the shitstorm that’s about to hit us. You see we broke the number one rule. We got all caught up in talk of hung parliaments and LibDem revitalisation and Gordon Brown being a dull bastard and Cameron being a sympathetic character that we forgot the NUMBER ONE RULE of voting for people who earn below £20, 000 a year (the majority of the population by the way), which is NEVER NEVER EVER VOTE ANYTHING BUT LABOUR NO MATTER WHAT.

You see, the clue is in the name – ‘Conservatives’. And we have to go back about a hundred years (not that long ago in the grand scheme of things) to a time when the upper classes were in the minority, the lower classes were the majority, and the middle class was a curious little bastard of economic hybrids. These were the days when most of our ancestors worked either in factories or in domestic service. When school was restricted to the few, and malnourishment was commonplace. In fact, the general working population was in such ill health that, when called upon to fight in the South African war, most recruits were deemed too unfit to fight. Thus, the upper classes were faced with an issue. How to get more healthy soldiers to fight in their foreign imperialist wars. Soldiers to help the rich remain rich and get even richer. The answer was suprisingly simple.

A national health service was born. And from it’s roots our very own NHS would grow.

The perfect soldier-making machine.

Within a generation the working classes were elevated to a level of health which meant that when the Great War came, an entire generation of fit and nourished British men were sent over to France by an over-confident upper class, and summarily obliterated.

It was only after this almost overt disregard for the lives of the common soldiers that the working class began to suspect their social superiors were in fact not all they were cracked up to be. Some have argued that this was the point where the class system in Britain began to finally disintegrate, with the poorer classes abandoning all traditional respect for their supposed betters.

Skill, not inherited wealth, became the medal of social standing, and a new middle class was born, of self-made men working for themselves and overtaking draconian imperial trade with pioneering industry for the masses. The middle class became the dominant class.

But it was here that we made the fatal error which we are still suffering from today.

We forgot what it was like to be ruled by the upper classes.

We even forgot who the upper classes were, and what they stood for.

The Conservation of the old way.

The retention of political and economic power by the historically powerful minority, and the supression of the aspiration and advancement of the lower classes in order to maintain a stable workforce and a reserve of effective soldiers.

In other words, slavery.

The upper classes do not want us to be educated. This is why they support private education while the state system rots and our children fall by the wayside. Nor do they want us to be politically empowered. This is why they dominate every office of power in this country. They do not want us to be socially liberated. This is why they have imposed checks on all modes of public activity and congregation, including policing the right to protest.

Today we can be physically assaulted by the police if we protest.

We think the class system is dead.

We’re dead wrong.

And we’re all about to get shafted.